The hardest thing about letting go of your teenager is the stark realisation that they don't need you in the same way anymore.
It's a mother's solemn duty to instil independence in her children. The true challenge, however, lies in embracing our own success in achieving this goal.
Embracing Change: A Month's Blink
In the blink of an eye, a month has slipped by, and my dear boy has set off for England once more. We had 5 glorious weeks together in Kuala Lumpur. His final decision was that he no longer wanted to travel with us around South East Asia and go and live with his Grandparents for a while in England. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t struggling to process this disappointment and emotional turmoil within myself.
At times, it feels like he's slipping through my fingers. I feel grief stricken that I’m losing him. Searching for that sweet child that once looked up to me with giddy delight. That chapter has closed, never to be reopened. Now, standing in the shadow of this towering young man, I look up and see someone who barely acknowledges his dear old mum, deeply preoccupied with his own life and pulling away from mine.
Evolving Affection: Navigating Teenage Tenderness
Now that he's a teenager, the ways he shows affection and allows me to reciprocate have taken a dramatic turn. I know how important it is for his well being to maintain a loving relationship with me. Nothing can substitute a healthy relationship with your own parents. As mothers, it's our task to get creative in nurturing our bond with our children, even when they show little interest in maintaining that same level of closeness with you.
The Dance of Independence: What I find most difficult. Stepping Back to Propel Forward
It's bittersweet, but succeeding in guiding them toward independence, knowing that they won't need you in the same way as before is very hard. Here are some tips from me that I have slowly learned over the last few years when dealing with my first teenager:
- You have to truly let go and grant them the space they need to grow as it is vital for their development.
- Avoid being too critical or pushy so that they can confidently navigate their world on their own. This is much more helpful to them.
- Allow them to make mistakes so they can experience them for themselves and learn from them, not from yours. This is far more useful in the long run. As painful as it is watching.
A New Phase: From PG to Halfway House
Here are some of the symptoms to look out for when the changes start to happen…
- When your relationship shifts from a PG rating to a sort of halfway house, not-quite-adult stage.
- When they pick their friends over you and you are no longer their ‘go to’ person or even good enough to be their chauffeur anymore!
- Trying to be the "cool mom" now that the old you doesn't quite fit, only to be met with amused scepticism.
- They think they know it all, and you know they need more life experience to truly grasp life's complexities.
- When they’ve established a new witty personality. They almost sound intelligent whilst debating their cause but still lack basic common sense and understanding. It’s like trying to talk to a young, drunk version of yourself that is trying to explain what the colour 4 smells like. It makes absolutely no sense.
- It’s no longer checking them over for strange rashes, verrucas or legos up the nose. You’re no longer needed to soothe their tummies, de-lice or sit in A&E for hours with a scary bump to the head or suspected nursery elbow. No this is big adult stuff you’re working with.
- They act all grown up, doing grown-up things, but with immature brains. It’s all very worrying!
You want to hug them, but they swerve away from affection, avoiding cuddles, strokes, or even a kind word. You ache to reconnect, but physical contact seems to be off the table. They're not interested in your advice. They see you as old-fashioned, or just old in general.
Bearing Witness: Tough Times and Silent Support
They're going through a tough time, and you're at a loss for words or actions to make it all better. You can't and it’s not your job to try and fix everything. It's tough, but sometimes they have to navigate it solo. Trying to help them handle their big feelings while you're still learning to manage your own. Damn I’m triggered daily and on the cusp of a brand new menopausal abyss of emotional mayhem. Please send help!
Scientific Solace: The Power of Physical Touch.
Some studies have shown kids who were raised in an environment where healthy physical touch was present tend to be happier as adults and better equipped to handle daily pressure. It lifts the spirit, lowers the risk of depression and helps with social cues, interactions and relationships.
Modelling healthy habits within a relationship helps them to establish which connections with people are healthy and which are not. These life lessons pass down through generations. Meaning what you teach now could potentially be replicated through to your own Grandchildren. Do I feel pressured? Immensely! Is it worth the extra special focus NOW to encourage helpful behaviours. Absolutely! That’s all any mother could ask for isn’t it? Their child to grow up into a happy and emotionally healthy adult.
Eager Anticipation: The Future Awaits.
I look forward to a future adult relationship with Jayden and a possible new found understanding and maturing perspective of the world around us.
Hopefully more empathy for other people’s feelings. They might even figure out that the world doesn’t actually revolve around them independently.
I await the day when it all clicks, and those struggles and tears bring a newfound appreciation for all the sacrifices made and the earnest efforts put forth to better their world.
When they grasp that you did your utmost best with the tools you had at hand, despite the shifting sands of this brave new world. Every effort was, and always will be, rooted in pure love for them.
Closing Words of Wisdom: "Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay." - DALAI LAMA